SuperEgo: The Life & Times Of...

“Success.”

If success is vital to you, you have a distinct advantage over many people who have no particular feeling one way or another. The desire to succeed is helpful, for it causes us to establish goals without which our actions have little or no meaning. Success may not necessarily mean winning the big prize, but it does mean approaching a goal. In my mind, success in spite of my self-doubt, and in spite of the haters, is what fuels me.

“Knowledge, Evolution, and Human Error.”

A stream of consciousness piece

If every second since you’ve been born, new things have been discovered, and we cannot comprehend even the smallest details until at the very least age 2, then there is no catching up, ever.  The amount of knowledge in the universe is infinite; and that sucks. Especially for an arrogant know-it-all like me.

In the mathematics of life, God is the variable we try to solve for but never find a definite answer to. If human existence were defined as a quadratic equation, God is (i ). Not that I mean God’s imaginary… far from it. Just because I can’t explain something doesn’t negate it’s veracity. As much as I’d like to agree with the philosophic burden of proof, I think Russell was being a bit trite. He may have been the Bill Maher of his day.

“I’ll never admit to being Jesus’ homeboy, until he admits he invented marijuana.”

Early on I became enraptured with the “beginning and the end.” A morbid fascination with death, our limits, our weaknesses, and flaws; The inception of the universe, and how everything came to pass. What made it all click was the concept of Space & Time, and how it bindsusalltogether.

Life is a giant re-run; Even though people who’ve existed before me have seen the ups and downs of it, it’s all new to me. While there is more comfort in contemplating the time-frame of your own lifespan, I still found it more productive to focus on the genesis of human existence. My interest in evolution exists because deep down, I think the greatest hope for change in humanity is something physically wired into our DNA. Such a concept lends itself well to a species that consistently repeats it’s own history. 

It’s probably why I liked the X-Men as a kid.

 

Not the overly buff, scantily-clad cartoon — but the notion that humans could develop beyond their nature into something extraordinary. I guess you could call that faith. It’s what makes us transcend our lizard brains and strive for greatness. Professor X and Magneto always interested me more than the other characters, simply because they were educated, refined, and could control things no other human could. The only other mutants who caught my eye were Hank McCoy (Beast) and Jean Grey.

Intellect, above all else, is greater than any superpower. 

Sex & Headphones

I think about meeting a woman that wants to make love with a soundtrack. Everybody has their own. Some are more varied than others. I imagine it helps to keep the world in rhythm, good or bad.

The idea of listening to headphones while making love is a completely indulgent, selfish one. The point is to be wrapped up in everything you find pleasurable, while translating that cornucopia of lust and desire to another person. Yet, I am fascinated with bringing such an occurence to fruition. Consider the gesture of two music lovers “sharing the dock” for the night; that is, each has their own player filled to capacity with their favorite tracks on a playlist, and your significant other says to you:

“Baby, let’s listen to your playlist tonight.”

Mmmph…Sends shivers down my spine.

Or in the heat of passion, reaching across the room to access your own drawer filled with toys. No, not those kind of toys… I meant different kinds of headphones. Gelled earbuds, to swap back and forth listening to each other’s tracks. Cushioned with Extra bass for those long drum solos. Noise cancelling! (Well, maybe not noise cancelling. Still, it might be fun to experience the whole thing just by interpreting each others facial expressions. …I’m a lights-on kind of guy.)

“Share a Smile.”

a short non-fiction set, by Lucas Hardeman (click play, then read.)

It’s a trip how the heart works. Especially when you share it. Those moments of living in duality, where you and another can connect on a level no one else can tap into; an unspoken language that is all consuming, uplifting, and enlightening.

Now, try adding a third party to that. What do you get?

Two sides of the same smile.

I anticipate those moments when I get you to myself, just us. You’ve got that smile I long to see; the one where your eyes light up. It brings me to my feet, and stands me up straight. Often, it even makes me feel like dancing a little. 

Even if my day was completely shiiiitty, I’m always excited to see you, and to try and coax out that smile. Especially when we getreallyclose, nose-to-nose or touching foreheads. :)

We could have had an argument 10 minutes ago, or ten years ago. I’d still think: “Damn, I wish I wasn’t so happy to see you, ‘cause I’d rather enjoy being mad at you for awhile. Damn, damn, damn.” Then, you’d look at me, and we’d have that connection again; unspoken and powerful. Then comes our little routine: I shake my head and laugh, and you’d let me have that smile, and I’d hold you close, then we’d dance a little.

You always wanted a “couples song.” This is a suggestion I had for ours.  

On the other side, I get to see you with him. Naturally, it’s tough to watch, but I can deal. The interesting part is the smile you then share: Your cheeks get wider, with a bigger expression; but those lights dim a little. I’m interested in what truly lies behind those eyes of yours in that moment. Does he not tickle your intellect? Can he expertly tease your senses? Will he ever encourage you to indulge your imagination, the way you’ve done for him? Has he ever ingited that passion I’ve seen in you; the kind that makes you fiercely loyal and opinionated, or sing a song like nobody’s watching; the kind that made you grab my shirt and pull my lips to yours? (A move you stole from me, by the way. Just FYI.)

At first, I just resented you. “She’s immature. I can’t stand that! Am I a glutton for punishment?” Then I made the mistake of comparing and contrasting. “What does he have that I don’t? Was it security? Reliability (a.k.a. routine/ nothing really changes)?” But I took a step back, and understood that it wasn’t about me at all. It’s about how you want your own life to go. Our paths aren’t made to join at this point in time. Above it all, though, it became clear what separated those two smiles.

A spark. That’s the difference. Something fundamentally missing from that wonderful feeling we seek deep down as humans; to share a spark.

I’m okay with not being with you. I don’t pine, I don’t plead, I don’t ponder. I can hope that you’ll grow, in your intuition and understanding. I wish I could spend more than just a stolen glance, or short embrace, or the faint hint of a kiss. But in the end, all I want is for you to be happy.

…At least, We’ll always have that spectacularly satisfying smile.

“When Keeping it Real Goes Right.”

This is why it’s impossible not to love Samuel L. Jackson. He keeps it real.

Aside from his now patented surgical use of the word “motherf****r”, his sentiment is made all the more poignant by the fact that he’s about to play Martin Luther King, Jr. on Broadway. (Photo: Marc Baptiste for NY Mag. Original article here: http://bit.ly/qKBKqr)